The price I pay is weight gain

I’m here again with some random ramblings. I am at an all time low in the self esteem department. I have gained over 20 lbs this year alone. I cannot stop eating. My love affair with food is toxic and controlling. One reason to blame: my birth control. Since starting the depo shot, I have gained more than 40 or so lbs. I have struggled to lose even the fewest of pounds. I think I’ve pretty much given up.

No. Fuck that.

I am smarter than food, right? I am stronger than food, I think? I just need to change my perspective. Fall in love with cooking and eating healthy. Crave that feeling you get after you out something good into your body. 

I need to start working out as well. I sit in an office 5 days a week, strapped to a chair. My body is starting to feel the effect. I am tired all the time. My body aches and cramps and just plain hurts. I never feel good, oh and my depression and anxiety seem to be gaining a dangerous momentum. 


But..but….but. How?

I love my birth control. I have zero periods, and the only side effect I’ve had are these clinging pounds. I don’t want to stop taking it. I love sex. I love not being pregnant. Oh and please spare me the “you can get pregnant on birth control!” Stories. I know, I have a doctor.

I think it’s going to have to be a day by day basis with little goals to hit. 3 lbs a month seems achievable right? Slow and steady. Then maybe I can start feeling good about myself again.

Maybe I’ll document my journey through writing. Maybe I won’t. I haven’t decided. 

We shall see.