Often times I lose myself. This usually occurs when I am hanging out with people constantly or focused on certain friends. I began to question what I am doing. How I am feeling. I start to feel everything they feel, not to their extent, but feelings none the less. It begins to slowly break me down, destroying my sanity piece by piece. This is a normal occurrence for me because I want to be there for everyone, every second that I can. It’s also very detrimental for me. My moods become a spectrum of emotions. I get angrier more quickly, sadness washes over me more frequently, I get happy, crazy, more outgoing. It’s so weird and random. Then after a while I realize it’s happening and it’s time to rebuild.
I start to pull away. I may switch who I’m hanging out with. I’ll stay holed up in my room. My sleeping patterns will go haywire. I’ll either go to bed super early, or I won’t sleep until the wee hours of the morning. I spend hours playing video games, reading or fucking around on the internet. I become reclusive, avoiding social interaction. My anxiety usually peaks at this time, a sign that I need to relax and just breathe. Because though I need time to myself, I wonder if anyone misses me at all.
I slowly begin to rebuild my sanity back to normal. I become more relaxed after a long period of time and I start the cycle all over again. It’s a process. One, that I know I should break, but I’ve been doing it for so long, I don’t even know how to go about quitting. I’m addicted to this life cycle and it really is quite sad.
I need to make a new life. Don’t ya think?